The challenge that I have found myself facing is the challenge to be honest.
There is something beautiful about being transparent in certain areas of your life and probably the most significant for is with art (or a type of expression of being).
I have a goal this year and that is- working towards an edge, an element of honesty in my writing. Good writing is full of truth and depth. If everything I write is superficial and just to please the readers around me…then how will I be true to myself? That is the great challenge I face. I want to write to impress my professors. I want to write to entertain my readers but I am finding no fulfillment in that. I am finding that after I write a blog post or even anything that there is something lacking…
There a lot of disclaimers to this sort of approach to writing because filters are still apparent but not in a way where it inhibits me from true transparency and sincerity.
I know one of the reason’s I started my blog was to relate my stories to the world so other people could relate. We live in a world where we are distancing ourselves from one another…through technology, through speculation, through fear, and it is creating a lonely atmosphere. I want to be true to myself and to my readers and so I think it is okay to tell you what I’m struggling with or how my day is going. I think it is okay to want to be honest with myself. I don’t think I should apologize for what I’m thinking or for who I am or for what I have been through.
Something that has been dwelling on my heart this week is the fact that if I really let myself, I could become a very bitter and cynical person. If it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus, I probably would not be a very joyful person. He softens my heart on a daily basis :) I know I have planted seeds of bitterness and if I let it grow…anger will be fruitful in my life. There is something in me that wants to be angry at the world, at my past circumstances and past relationships. And the Lord, so faithful and true, prompts my heart to let me know that is not who I am. And I have become so broken. So this week I am having to lay all of these emotions at the alter and let the Lord heal my heart. I have never been an angry person and so with all this surfacing now I kind of don’t know what to do with it all. It’s is not an easy thing to deal with. Because then I have to come to a place of forgiveness and surrender. The Lord is merciful and full of grace and I am forever thankful.
I feel so much better being able to write this out on my blog. To let the world hold me accountable for my feelings. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to deal with these feelings alone.