I am becoming deeply intimate with the desire to live a balanced life- free from worry or stress. Because of some of the imbalances of this semester it is causing a raging and plummeting feel to my heart. Do I spend enough time pursuing my relationship with God? Do I focus too my on my grades? Am I not getting enough sleep? What does it look like to spend all my “free” time doing homework and not maintaining healthy friendships?
All I look forward to at this point of my life is to when it will be all over. What I am referring to is the constant looking over my shoulder to see if deadlines are catching up with me or racking my brain for paper thesis ideas or wondering if I’m being spectacularly brilliant while always giving the bare minimum because, frankly, that is all I have the energy for. Energy. It is subsiding. And yes, sleeping in a warm bed for days sounds quite scrumptious and I would probably take this opportunity above anything else at this moment.
Despite these feelings, the world around me offers wonderful encouragement to keep moving forward. I have astounding support from my boyfriend to the do the best that I can, which makes an exceptional difference. Also my professors assure me of my potential and capabilities within my field of study. It all makes a difference, so thank you to those who constantly offer unyielding support and encouragement.
Life has been an emotional roller-coaster this year with very interesting issues coming to the surface. And yet I want to pursue my passion for literature and teaching but also a Godly relationship with a wonderful man and planning my future for the next step after my undergraduate studies. It is overwhelming and in my face every single day and so how do I cope with this storm of life? Exactly, I have the wrong mindset- I am wanting to cope instead of live fully no matter the circumstances.
Sometimes I have to push the re-set and come back to the place of the quiet of my heart and evaluate what is truly important. I have to constantly remind myself of who is on my side and the amazing plans He has for my life. I never have all the answers but He always offers grace and comfort and waves of love when I feel like I am drowning in a sea of simply, life. Yes, my Father is real and true to His children. I cling to that.
I am thankful it is not over yet because I want to find peace within my ‘stuffed-to-the-brim’ day-to-day life. The Lord promised me before I went into this semester that He was going to take care of me and everything was in His hands. I needed an anchor to hold my heart down from getting too discouraged or upset with the array and disarray of this semester.
Could I have done things differently? Reacted better? Made better choices. Probably. But for now, I am grasping on these last few weeks and going to make a change in my mindset. Positivity and thankfulness will fill my heart by the grace of Jesus.
Re-set button pushed. Activated. Thank you, Jesus.